1 Bajin

Jeremy Lavine Lightning Essay


Author Topic: Jeremy Lavine Essay
Grand Illusion
Jingle Bell Hock

One of my college computer professors told us, "If you can't be right, be funny. If I laugh, I may give you partial credit." On an exam, one student defined the networking term CSMA/CD as "Creative Students Must Always Create Definitions." He gave her credit for it, so I can believe almost anything about tests and papers.

BTW: Did anyone find out from the website what grade Jeremy Lavine was in when he wrote this? I could believe that this comes from an 8th-10th grader because he shows a certain well-roundedness and a little bit of knowledge of the subject matter. If this essay is genuine, it may be from someone who simply isn't good with words and gets his volcabulary from television.

Such is my 7th grade son; he's exceptionally intelligent but not the best writer or communicator. He once told us that karate is a Japanese farting technique. On one of his book reports of a book where the main characters endured many hardships, he ended his essay with, "It would suck to be them." Before he turned it in, he gave it to me to edit. I crossed out the line and wrote on the paper, "What can we learn from these characters?" In his next draft, he had removed the last line and simply replaced it with the text: "What can we learn from these characters?"

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who do not.

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" - The Brain

Posts: 587 | From: Colorado | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | 
The Red and the Green Stamps

just to answer some of your alls questions, I happened on this site while searching for the web for information on various people from my high school. Jerem Lavine does exist, I was in his geosystems class last year (yes, geosystems, not english, thus the total ignorance of grammar) when he wrote these. The first one, for example, we were just supposed to write a double-spaced page explaining El Nino, which you see, he actually DOES say what it is (the water warmth thing, etc) and thus why he got full credit. Our teacher, Mr. Rizor, who has a sense of humor, also added his own snide comments on the page. This was 12th grade, he was 18.
IP: Logged | 
candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High

While I have my doubts about this due to lack of correction all over the paper, I wouldn't doubt the content.
In my senior year of high school we were studying the Holocaust for three weeks and had to write numerous papers. I was burned out on essay-style writing, which has never been my strong suit, so when I had to write about why people listened to Hitler, and how we could prevent such a thing from happening again, it included sentences like(not exact quote, the paper was written years ago):
"Hitler won people over with his smooth-talking. He was all 'You guys, these problems aren't your fault, it's all the damn JEWS that are taking your jobs, and screwing up the country!' And since people have a tendency to blame anyone other than themselves for the bad things that happen to them, the German people thought 'Dude, Hitler's right!' "
And my teacher submitted that essay to a contest held by some remembering the Holocaust essay foundation(Can you believe I didn't win? ). If I'd known she liked that kind of writing that year would have been much easier for me.

Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND

Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | 
The Bills of St. Mary's

When it came time to do my A-Level maths exam I, along with all the rest of my class, was completely stumped by most of the questions. This is because we had had 5 teachers over the course of 2 years, none of whom swapped notes or knew what had or had not been covered from the curriculum. Turns out that most of the stuff in the exam was stuff that we had never covered at all. We were the gifted class, and not a one of us got higher than an E (which is the lowest passing grade).

Anyway, for one of the questions that covered something I'd never heard of, we were asked to make a graph. Or, more literally "draw axes on a peice of graph paper". So I drew a pair of battle-axes. I don't think I got any marks for it, though.

seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears.

Posts: 16061 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | 
We Three Blings

In high school, we had a theory that our history teacher didn't read our essay answers, but rather looked at the length and assigned a grade based on that.

Overtired and overworked one night, I neglected to read the entire chapter on the Spanish American War, even though we were being tested on it the next day. I logic-ed my way through the multiple choice, and then looked at the essay question. Not knowing what else to put, and figuring this was as good a time to test our theory about this teacher's grading criteria, I wrote (paraphrased, because this was a good 16 years ago and I need to shorten it):

"I'm going to be honest. I didn't read this chapter. But I do know my great-grandfather thought it was his civic duty to enlist to fight in this war, and enlist he did. The war was over before he was through with training. Being the first wartime member of his family not to serve, he was extremely disappointed, not because he wanted to fight, but because he felt he was letting the family line and proud patriotic history that goes all the way back to the Revolution down. While camped, however, he was disgusted to learn that when they army ran short on food, they sometimes slaughtered horses to supplement the meat reserves. Great-grandfather was horrified that they could do that to such a noble, beautiful animal, and refused to eat any horse meat. I apologize, but I am extremely tired and not thinking straight, and this is the extent of my knowledge about the Spanish American War at this time. I'll read it tomorrow, I promise."

When my paper came back, I had half credit for the answer. I found out he DID in fact read the contents of our answers, because he stated, "While I am disappointed you didn't do your assignment, I respect your use of actual family history in formulating an answer. Since you're a good student overall, I'm giving you credit for applied knowledge. But next time, read your homework."

I had done well enough working out the multiple choice, I ended up with a B.

And for the record, I never stated that the Spanish American War killed people and knocked down trees.

Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee.

Posts: 1170 | From: Iowa | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | 

Urban Legends Reference Pages

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This page contains my favorite weird links. Ordinarily they are not offensive (there's a whole other page for that!), and they are in alphabetical order by site name.

  • Area 404: Go check out pages that have very amusing original "page not found" pages.
  • The Barney Fun Page: KILL THE PURPLE DINOSAUR!!! Choose your weapon and fire! When I first came to the Web, this was the latest technology, I promise--and our hate for Barney was fresh.
  • Black People Love Us! Isn't it cool? I mean, they're white, but for some reason, all the black people just adore this white couple! Go find out why.
  • Bork-Bork-Bork: Now you can surf Swedish Chef style! Google.com has an option to view its site in the language of our favorite culinary-talented Muppet. If you click on the language tools tab there, you'll find some other fun choices to surf in as well, unavailable through the regular Google.com language tools: Surf the Web in Klingon, Elmer Fudd, Pig Latin, even Hacker-Speak!
  • The Bubble Project: Somebody put empty talk bubbles on ads all over New York. Thousands of them. This website features the bubbles after they were filled in by random people and photographed. They're categorized by the type of commentary in the bubbles and it's just such an awesome fun idea!
  • ClumsyCrooks.com: Heh, go read about people who get in trouble because they screwed up their crimes.
  • "Coming In Like El Ni�o!" and "Lightning!": Essays by Jeremy Lavine. You will not understand why these scans of strange ramble-babble essays are awesome until you read them. (PDF link.)
  • Cornify: Everyone wants rainbows and unicorns. Just go to this site and click the button, and unlimited sparkly unicorns and shiny rainbows will appear. Enjoy!
  • Crying While Eating: Watch people crying while eating for various reasons. And if you want to submit your own, then . . . well, tell them what you're eating and why you're crying.
  • Don't click here: I said, don't click. And as long as you keep clicking, I'll keep telling you to cut it out!
  • Download the Internet: What, don't you have enough space? Can't you wait 4,381 years? Click if you want to download the Internet.
  • Eat Babies: Baby-eating is strongly encouraged here (except that actually it isn't). Oh look, satire! Yes, they're crazy. Blame the chicken.
  • Eric Conveys an Emotion: Awesome. Watch Eric and his expressive face acting out emotions and situations too funny for words. He doesn't update anymore, though.
  • Failblog: This site collects images and videos related to extreme "fail." If you haven't heard that 'Net slang for absolutely hilariously huge failures, you should go here and see what true fail is.
  • Frogland: Frogland, yes Frogland . . . neat froggie background and weird stuff. Why frogs? Because. Frogs.
  • Future Me: Go to this site and send yourself an e-mail . . . in the FUTURE!
  • Google Moon: This is really cool all by itself, but make sure you zoom in on the moon all the way for a nice joke.
  • Graaaagh!: Here you can go to this site, enter your name, and have an e-mail sent to your friends to make them come and have their brain eaten so they'll turn into zombies. It's really fun.
  • Hatoful Boyfriend: This is a Let's Play by Angie--a walkthrough of a game. The object of the game is to simulate dating the characters. But you are a human girl and the boys are all pigeons. And that is the least weird thing about it. Believe me, you want to read this.
  • Homestar Runner: Umm, pretty much indescribable. It's a Flash site with various toons and amusing crap. Homestar Runner is a weird armless guy with a peculiar way of speaking and an even more peculiar way of acting. You can see him acting weird, and read the fan e-mails of his rival Strong Bad, as well as play fun Flash games and listen to goofy original music and stuff. It's just not something I can sum up, so go there and click the "intro" button to get an idea.
  • Horsey Surprise: Ken M writes intentionally boneheaded comments on articles and screencaps them. The genius of his ridiculousness has to be seen to be believed.
  • How Much Is Inside? These guys are either very creative or very drunk all the time. Probably kind of both. They do bizarre experiments to see "how much is inside" various things, like labeling as many CDs as they can to see how much ink is in a Sharpie, or straining out the gold flakes from Goldschl�ger to see how much gold is actually in that thing. The page is highly illustrated and quite hilarious.
  • HumanForSale.com: You can take this test and see how much money you're worth. Would you pay $2,472,118 for me??
  • Internet Pizza: You can order pizza with odd toppings (including non-edibles) and have it delivered straight to your screen.
  • JAMES FACE: Some guy being a jerk keeps downloading his friend's Facebook photos, modifying his face, and putting them back up. The friend is not amused.
  • Jamming Scissors Into Your Crotch: Doesn't this sound fun? If you'd like to try it, there are itemized instructions to teach you how to engage in this amusing and educational activity.
  • Just Cows: Well, yeah. WHY do we need to know how to say "cow" in 539 languages? We don't. WHY do we like this? Because it's USELESS!
  • Make Everything OK Button: Just what it says on the tin.
  • My Cat Hates You: Just pictures of cats looking moody as hell. I love it.
  • My ESL Student: This person teaches English to a student who occasionally offers bizarre English captions on odd photographs. This Tumblr features the captioned photos.
  • Netdisaster: This site's purpose was to allow you to put any website into its window and then choose a disaster to happen to it. You can have it peed on by a cartoon guy, thrown up on, or blasted by the finger of God if you want. It's rather amusing (though some might be a tad offensive). Sadly, misinterpretations caused it to get shut down in April 2009, but you can still get a desktop application and an option to disasterize your own page.
  • News of the Weird: This is self-explanatory . . . go here and read weird news.
  • Phonespell: What funny things does your phone number spell?
  • The Psychic Chicken: Do you really need an explanation?
  • Random Frog: All this is is random frog pictures. You can reload and reload and see many different frogs. That's toad-ally cool!
  • Random Surrealism Generator: If you go here, you get to reload the page and see tons of very amusing surreal statements, such as "Are you trying to catch cholera from that straightjacket?" And you can even use the code to embed surrealism into your website. Can't miss it.
  • Real Ultimate Power: It's a TOTALLY SWEET site about the most TOTALLY SWEET subject . . . NINJAS! Ninjas are so . . . so . . . SWEET!
  • Rock, Paper, Saddam: Highly illustrated HILARIOUS thing, you kinda have to see it.
  • Shit My Students Write: A teacher repeats gems from students' submissions. Their amusement factor is self-evident.
  • SlushPile Hell: You can read a literary agent's hilarious commentary on bits of query letters that make him want to bang his head against things. Oh dear lord do I feel his pain.
  • Smurf the Web: Are you tired of surfing the Web? Smurf the Web instead!
  • The Smurfs Were Communists: All the proof you need right here.
  • SorryGottaGo.com: Need to get off the frickin' phone? Well, download the sounds you need from this site and use them to play in the background when you REALLY need to go!
  • Spatula City: It's . . . well, it's spatulas. This lovely site shows you exactly what humorous websites tended to look like in the mid 1990s, too--and I've been linking to it about that long.
  • Steve, Don't Eat It! This is a hilarious blog in which Steve, our hapless protagonist, subjects himself to various food horrors and describes the experiences in frightening detail (with even more frightening illustrations, sometimes). I laughed until I cried. Beware the foul language.
  • Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About: Detailing the arguments that this guy and his girlfriend have had. You'd wonder why they're still together, but only if you don't get it.
  • Tribute to the Removal of Geocities: The good ol' Web host Geocities is dead, and so are all the crappy pages full of animated gifs and ridiculous backgrounds. But this page pays tribute to all those early memes we all loved back when the Web was first getting off the ground.
  • Twoey's Coolest Links Page has links that are divided into categories and are really, really cool and weird. You might have fun looking through them.
  • White Power Milk: Why wouldn't you want to purchase milk gargled by rich white girls for your own consumption, to better obtain the purest milk possible?
  • ZOMBO: I'm not sure exactly what the site is for, but its intro is unmissable. You will feel welcomed, I'm sure.



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